Turmoil

It’s always something isn’t it.

I just want to be happy 

Not this feeling of fucking dread 

Suffocating me like a pillow in my nightmarish sleep

Skin stripped off 

Soul pulled out 

Heart destroyed 

Mind set ablaze

Hitting walls 

Trapped in some maze
No lights of any kind 
Feeling my way around 

Walls covered in my own words 

Stinging every inch of skin 

Like a whirlwind of wasps

Today is going to be better 

I say that every day 

And some days I believe it 

Most days I just want my darkness to consume me 

So I don’t have to feel… 

Anything

What's truly funny...

Sometimes I sit on the ground of where I work and smoke cigarettes after my shift is over. You know just thinking about the days events and how insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things. Maybe I do dream too much. Life passing me by at supersonic speed. Maybe I just react too slow to things.
Who knows right?
The sun beating on my face like an imaginary boxer. Ignored, forgotten and banished from the lives of others.
I focus on the red of some distant flower. The only color I see besides the green of some poorly manicured grass and the shitty metal of air conditioning units humming away with its only defined purpose.
I wish for a purpose. Something, anything. I want to scream but all I can muster is heavy sighs and the sound of me exhaling my cigarette smoke.

Me

Red Bull, Cigarettes and The Meaning of Life

It's about 4:30 in the morning.
Here we are, hanging out on my porch after a long night of partying. As we light up our cigarettes you guys choose coffee and I go for an energy drink. An idea has struck me and I catch myself saying out loud:
“Where does all the time go?”

"Oh man. Really, you're not one those people that have epiphanies when they are coming down, are you?" you ask.
"He totally does seem like that," your friend points out with a chuckle.
"I'm really not," I insist.
"I'm just talking"
"Why are we here? Where does the time go? What is the meaning of life?" you follow your friend's vibe.
I take a long drag. The swirl of cigarette smoke gets into my eyes, making me squint. I blow the smoke out and say
"Life has no meaning."
The Wind Cries Mary is playing softly in the background.
"Oh no, here we go," you say.

"What, I can't make a statement? Life has no meaning man, life is a long series of events. All of these philosophers and great thinkers have this question that needs to be answered not knowing that living is the meaning. You were born alone you will die alone. The stuff in between is subjective. You meet a few people in your life that you will like, a few you will hate. Maybe meet the love or loves of your life. Have some great sex, have some bad sex. And all of it is subjective. You will work and play sometimes love one the other or both. None of it matters in the end. Everyone wants to make life's meaning overly complex and why?
So they can carry on about something, anything that fills them with some sense of self. News flash, you are as insignificant as a particle of dust in the ozone layer. Think about how often you wish your life was more meaningful and yet your life isn't bad. You want more and more, but none of it makes a difference. You may have kids, you will live for them but when all is said and done how much true meaning does your life have? Yes you have a family, or not. Does it truly make the meaning of life mean more than what you have in front of you? You exist. Be happy with that. You have the things you have now and the things you will acquire in the future. It is all subjective. Live your life and don't waste it thinking about the meaning of it all, it will escape you and you will lose track of what is happening around you. And you know what that is? That is life. Right in front of you," I rant.

"You know what? You have had entirely too much to drink. You are talking all of this mess of words and clearly not thinking about it," you say.

"What do you mean not thinking about it? What did I say that is so wrong and not thought out?" I question.

I take another gulp of my Red Bull, wincing at the taste.
The smell of that candy-flavored concoction mixes itself with cigarette smoke and coffee essences in the air. So thick it can choke mortals but not us. Not tonight anyway. Conversation and inebriation are too strong to stop us.

"What about having kids? You truly do live for them and they do define you. That's just something crazy to say," the other says.

"No, what I said was at the end what does it matter. There is a clear distinction over what is happening during life and what its meaning is. I could say I purchased this house and I live in it for 35 years but when I die is it me? Was that or any other experience I have had going to give me meaning at the end? You go from being pushed out of a hole to being put into another. That's life. The rest is window dressing to entertain ourselves while we await our death," I tell them in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Window dressing? So being in love, attaining goals or making something beautiful is just window dressing?" you ask puzzled by the things I am saying.

"Of course it is. They are mere events that happen. Your life is a book: you start it, you finish it. What's the big mystery? Cover to cover baby, nothing else. Think of it this way. Paper will hold anything you write on it. Whether it's curses or bible you can try to find the meaning behind all that or continue to live how you want to without thinking about the fucking meaning of life. You can sweat the small stuff or you can savor what you have and what you are working towards. Remember when you die, that's it. The Big Nothing. What does brooding do to help you while you die? Is it wrong to think that way? I guess, if you want to get caught up in that. Not me though I am going to make my life as good as I can simply for pure enjoyment knowing none of this is coming with me or going to make me happy when I die." I say.

They are becoming dizzy through these small rants; I can tell. Maybe it's the fact that I'm talking really fast coupled with the amount of information I am giving them. Oh wait. It could be that they are finally succumbing to the smoke and that's making them sway. The glassy-eyed look is definitely on both of their faces. I'm going to think it's all of the information. It makes me feel better.

Written by Carlos
Edited by Lucienne

The world seen through the eyes of an unclean soul

Sitting, watching cars drive by I'm left wondering of what unspeakable acts the passengers of that car have committed, if any.
I don't mean rape or murder, more along the lines of self loathing and self harm. Looking into a mirror seeing the thought of hatred in myself I think of how many others think as I do. How many times they have thought of ending it by whatever manner seems best for them at the time. The things that seem to much to bear, that loneliness we feel overwhelming like the stench of old garbage, filling your lungs and stomach making you dry heave. That corrosive mind set that seems to infect everything you touch.
Control over those thoughts are futile at times. The breakdown of self like decaying of matter, but it's of ourselves, the soul which feels like dying.
I find myself looking for something, anything to hold on to. A smile from a stranger, the way the wind feels against my face as I walk on the beach, the way it feels to drink a nice cold glass of water after a hot day. Small, seemingly unimportant thoughts swirl like cigarette smoke after a long drag. That is my existence. Carbon copy days, restless nights and self hatred. My own path to self destruction. Don't follow me here is not a great place to be. Though it is in my path, I hope that at the end of it there is some semblance of light. A new beginning of sorts. If I could only push passed the thought of ending it now so I can see where this rabbit hole leads...

Tales from the punch bowl

I awake in a drunken stupor
Walk around seemingly without a point, yet there is a point I need to find my cigarettes.
Sitting outside looking at the myriad colors of my surroundings, constantly reminded of how alone I am.
Thoughts swimming like goldfish in an oversized aquarium.
I inhale, letting the smoke from my Camel sit there burning my lungs.
I exhale with a heavy sigh that of course no one but me can hear.
Who knows why I made it audible.
That silence serving as a reminder of mistakes and broken dreams.
I think I just needed to hear something just a bit different than just my normal breathing.
I get up wiping the cigarette ashes from my clothes and sigh again.
Why the Hell am I sighing?
I wonder to my self.
Walk over to the refrigerator grab another beer and proceed to drink my self into a stupor again.
To relive the same morning again tomorrow and the next day.
This is a tale from the punch bowl that is me.

Random thoughts

The beauty of sunrises and sunsets.

Creating a finished product from an idea.

Reaching enlightenment.

Seeing chaos all around and seeing the beauty in it.

I want coffee. But I hate it.

Drink more water. 1 liter already before 8 am.

Work on a design.

I would love to create my own font.

Be able to answer some of my own questions.

I am actually fearing less.

I should learn illustrator.

5 hours is the perfect amount of sleep.

I hate loud beeping noises.

RoX over and out.

Manifestations

Broad generalizations aside one can say I'm easy to please. Not much to it really. I try to treat people well. And to be honest I expect the same in return. Maybe that's my problem is the expectation. I do things because I want to, not for some need to or because it's expected. I just do.

I have come to show my feelings more this year. A renewed passion if you will. Yes there are things that I have always been passionate about but this year has been very different for me.

I am letting go. All of these walls that I have built up over the years I am breaking down. I am opening myself up to love, happiness, hatred, joy and sadness.

I have always carried sadness with me. My fears, insecurities and doubts. Many bouts with suicidal thoughts. Slowly but surely fighting against them.

I am learning that these feelings are natural and not just happening to me. We as people all have these feelings and are prone to dwell on one more than others. I think we also tend to shut down more.

One thing I've learned above all is to fight more. Not to give in. No need for quitting, facing my fears has been tough but also necessary to becoming a better person. Not in the general I would like world peace way but just having peace.

This is my path to enlightenment. My thoughts manifesting themselves into action. Finding all of the beauty within the chaos in myself, everyone around me and the world.