Take me for example, I appear to be pretty normal. I have friends that I talk to and I have no problems speaking to people and making new relationships.
My problem lies inside, my personal persona. I am truly two people. The public person that is generally likable and well intentioned. When I am alone it all changes. I have severe bouts of insecurity, paranoia and depression.
Things are not simple for me at all, the lies and truths I tell the world around me always gets second guessed and thought about to death and I always think how everyone around me can see who I really am. I am just a small and insignificant person. As I drive alone I am filled with self loathing. I don't even like to look at myself.
For you my friends I am Pesci's clown, I am here to amuse you, so the time you spend with me is not spent thinking about your own bullshit. Focus on the here and now have fun and deal with your problems later. The issue with me is that I never leave my self hatred behind it is always with me like a large satchel.
As I space out I think how much nicer it would be not to have to think about anything or worry about anything anymore. The more I look at this option the harder it is for me to cling on to this worthless life where any dream I may have had is non existent or has turned into a nightmare.
I don't want to put up a front anymore. I would love to truly be the person I pretend to be but after all of this time I know I can't be. That person that you all see isn't truly me it is a character I have created to gain acceptance throughout the years. This facade that has been built and polished has almost become a true person but I see the cracks. I see every single one. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. It is getting harder for me to even drive with out wanting all of it to just end.
I am no longer in control it seems like my true self is coming through and showing how detached I really am. I hate people, I hate standing next to them, I hate the fact that I share the same air.
I can't seem to even control most of my thoughts everything is becoming more erratic more confused everyday seems longer and my thoughts are tearing me apart as I write this I know most everything around me is a lie and I can't take that anymore.
I have hurt a lot of people in my life I yet I feel nothing. My insecurities are destroying me. With this I hope you know this isn't anyone's fault. I want you all to know our relationships are over and I don't want to be anyone's puppet.
Just forget that I existed and know you never truly knew me.
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