What's truly funny...

Sometimes I sit on the ground of where I work and smoke cigarettes after my shift is over. You know just thinking about the days events and how insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things. Maybe I do dream too much. Life passing me by at supersonic speed. Maybe I just react too slow to things.
Who knows right?
The sun beating on my face like an imaginary boxer. Ignored, forgotten and banished from the lives of others.
I focus on the red of some distant flower. The only color I see besides the green of some poorly manicured grass and the shitty metal of air conditioning units humming away with its only defined purpose.
I wish for a purpose. Something, anything. I want to scream but all I can muster is heavy sighs and the sound of me exhaling my cigarette smoke.

Me

Red Bull, Cigarettes and The Meaning of Life

It's about 4:30 in the morning.
Here we are, hanging out on my porch after a long night of partying. As we light up our cigarettes you guys choose coffee and I go for an energy drink. An idea has struck me and I catch myself saying out loud:
“Where does all the time go?”

"Oh man. Really, you're not one those people that have epiphanies when they are coming down, are you?" you ask.
"He totally does seem like that," your friend points out with a chuckle.
"I'm really not," I insist.
"I'm just talking"
"Why are we here? Where does the time go? What is the meaning of life?" you follow your friend's vibe.
I take a long drag. The swirl of cigarette smoke gets into my eyes, making me squint. I blow the smoke out and say
"Life has no meaning."
The Wind Cries Mary is playing softly in the background.
"Oh no, here we go," you say.

"What, I can't make a statement? Life has no meaning man, life is a long series of events. All of these philosophers and great thinkers have this question that needs to be answered not knowing that living is the meaning. You were born alone you will die alone. The stuff in between is subjective. You meet a few people in your life that you will like, a few you will hate. Maybe meet the love or loves of your life. Have some great sex, have some bad sex. And all of it is subjective. You will work and play sometimes love one the other or both. None of it matters in the end. Everyone wants to make life's meaning overly complex and why?
So they can carry on about something, anything that fills them with some sense of self. News flash, you are as insignificant as a particle of dust in the ozone layer. Think about how often you wish your life was more meaningful and yet your life isn't bad. You want more and more, but none of it makes a difference. You may have kids, you will live for them but when all is said and done how much true meaning does your life have? Yes you have a family, or not. Does it truly make the meaning of life mean more than what you have in front of you? You exist. Be happy with that. You have the things you have now and the things you will acquire in the future. It is all subjective. Live your life and don't waste it thinking about the meaning of it all, it will escape you and you will lose track of what is happening around you. And you know what that is? That is life. Right in front of you," I rant.

"You know what? You have had entirely too much to drink. You are talking all of this mess of words and clearly not thinking about it," you say.

"What do you mean not thinking about it? What did I say that is so wrong and not thought out?" I question.

I take another gulp of my Red Bull, wincing at the taste.
The smell of that candy-flavored concoction mixes itself with cigarette smoke and coffee essences in the air. So thick it can choke mortals but not us. Not tonight anyway. Conversation and inebriation are too strong to stop us.

"What about having kids? You truly do live for them and they do define you. That's just something crazy to say," the other says.

"No, what I said was at the end what does it matter. There is a clear distinction over what is happening during life and what its meaning is. I could say I purchased this house and I live in it for 35 years but when I die is it me? Was that or any other experience I have had going to give me meaning at the end? You go from being pushed out of a hole to being put into another. That's life. The rest is window dressing to entertain ourselves while we await our death," I tell them in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Window dressing? So being in love, attaining goals or making something beautiful is just window dressing?" you ask puzzled by the things I am saying.

"Of course it is. They are mere events that happen. Your life is a book: you start it, you finish it. What's the big mystery? Cover to cover baby, nothing else. Think of it this way. Paper will hold anything you write on it. Whether it's curses or bible you can try to find the meaning behind all that or continue to live how you want to without thinking about the fucking meaning of life. You can sweat the small stuff or you can savor what you have and what you are working towards. Remember when you die, that's it. The Big Nothing. What does brooding do to help you while you die? Is it wrong to think that way? I guess, if you want to get caught up in that. Not me though I am going to make my life as good as I can simply for pure enjoyment knowing none of this is coming with me or going to make me happy when I die." I say.

They are becoming dizzy through these small rants; I can tell. Maybe it's the fact that I'm talking really fast coupled with the amount of information I am giving them. Oh wait. It could be that they are finally succumbing to the smoke and that's making them sway. The glassy-eyed look is definitely on both of their faces. I'm going to think it's all of the information. It makes me feel better.

Written by Carlos
Edited by Lucienne

The world seen through the eyes of an unclean soul

Sitting, watching cars drive by I'm left wondering of what unspeakable acts the passengers of that car have committed, if any.
I don't mean rape or murder, more along the lines of self loathing and self harm. Looking into a mirror seeing the thought of hatred in myself I think of how many others think as I do. How many times they have thought of ending it by whatever manner seems best for them at the time. The things that seem to much to bear, that loneliness we feel overwhelming like the stench of old garbage, filling your lungs and stomach making you dry heave. That corrosive mind set that seems to infect everything you touch.
Control over those thoughts are futile at times. The breakdown of self like decaying of matter, but it's of ourselves, the soul which feels like dying.
I find myself looking for something, anything to hold on to. A smile from a stranger, the way the wind feels against my face as I walk on the beach, the way it feels to drink a nice cold glass of water after a hot day. Small, seemingly unimportant thoughts swirl like cigarette smoke after a long drag. That is my existence. Carbon copy days, restless nights and self hatred. My own path to self destruction. Don't follow me here is not a great place to be. Though it is in my path, I hope that at the end of it there is some semblance of light. A new beginning of sorts. If I could only push passed the thought of ending it now so I can see where this rabbit hole leads...

Tales from the punch bowl

I awake in a drunken stupor
Walk around seemingly without a point, yet there is a point I need to find my cigarettes.
Sitting outside looking at the myriad colors of my surroundings, constantly reminded of how alone I am.
Thoughts swimming like goldfish in an oversized aquarium.
I inhale, letting the smoke from my Camel sit there burning my lungs.
I exhale with a heavy sigh that of course no one but me can hear.
Who knows why I made it audible.
That silence serving as a reminder of mistakes and broken dreams.
I think I just needed to hear something just a bit different than just my normal breathing.
I get up wiping the cigarette ashes from my clothes and sigh again.
Why the Hell am I sighing?
I wonder to my self.
Walk over to the refrigerator grab another beer and proceed to drink my self into a stupor again.
To relive the same morning again tomorrow and the next day.
This is a tale from the punch bowl that is me.

Random thoughts

The beauty of sunrises and sunsets.

Creating a finished product from an idea.

Reaching enlightenment.

Seeing chaos all around and seeing the beauty in it.

I want coffee. But I hate it.

Drink more water. 1 liter already before 8 am.

Work on a design.

I would love to create my own font.

Be able to answer some of my own questions.

I am actually fearing less.

I should learn illustrator.

5 hours is the perfect amount of sleep.

I hate loud beeping noises.

RoX over and out.

Manifestations

Broad generalizations aside one can say I'm easy to please. Not much to it really. I try to treat people well. And to be honest I expect the same in return. Maybe that's my problem is the expectation. I do things because I want to, not for some need to or because it's expected. I just do.

I have come to show my feelings more this year. A renewed passion if you will. Yes there are things that I have always been passionate about but this year has been very different for me.

I am letting go. All of these walls that I have built up over the years I am breaking down. I am opening myself up to love, happiness, hatred, joy and sadness.

I have always carried sadness with me. My fears, insecurities and doubts. Many bouts with suicidal thoughts. Slowly but surely fighting against them.

I am learning that these feelings are natural and not just happening to me. We as people all have these feelings and are prone to dwell on one more than others. I think we also tend to shut down more.

One thing I've learned above all is to fight more. Not to give in. No need for quitting, facing my fears has been tough but also necessary to becoming a better person. Not in the general I would like world peace way but just having peace.

This is my path to enlightenment. My thoughts manifesting themselves into action. Finding all of the beauty within the chaos in myself, everyone around me and the world.

This chaotic moment

Man I'm exhausted. The past four days have worn me out. Between all of the writing, thinking and sleeplessness I am done. Today was all about finishing a story I started yesterday and deep thought. I think my mind has become more cohesive this year. As a chaotic thinker, now I am able to think about philosophies that have always seemed to escape me.

Now I think in terms of futures, feelings and how it does or doesn't relate to logic. And this is good news because I can have conversations that I felt uncomfortable having before. I'm able to express feelings that I didn't know I could express. Yeah this is new territory for me but I'm trying to tone down and become more focused.

I'm almost there.

The old 50/50

Our choices are always 50% chance.
If we always knew the outcome then they wouldn't be chances.
It would be something that's written in some random book of facts.

Giving yourself freely to someone is a tough choice.
You never know what it's going to entail in the long run.

The old leap of faith as I said.
I've taken it with you.
And I have landed just fine.
I'm waiting for you.
I'll be there to catch you.

Exhaustion

Ever love to the point of sheer exhaustion?
I have.
To the point where I feel like everything is at stake.
I guess I could get tired and give up.
That memory of the way the sun was shining through your hair as you told me you love me is all the fuel I need.
That is my energy
My determination to keep fighting for you.

True Sorrow

I am human
And I hurt
I kept telling myself
It's going to be fine

I keep thinking hey you know
She is better off without you
I keep saying man, you will move on

But doesn't one have to want that for it to happen?

Whatever happened to bring able to stop you in your tracks just by saying I wanted to kiss you?
The idea of lying in bed with one another just holding each other?

Where those thoughts just thoughts or were they meant to be real one day?

I still want that.
But there lies the true sorrow.
I want that.

Battles

Dedicated to life's soldiers who need to fight for something against all odds and all doubts and fears. Love will carry you through. Fight for what you believe in, for what you love and what brings you passion even if you die trying.

Jolted awake by a siren the soldier is grabbing his gear
He knows this is another day in this long war
He is ready for anything
At least he tells himself
He heads out
Ready to wage war
Blood boiling
Adrenaline flowing like a river
He sees the enemy
He is outnumbered and knows it
He hides
Trying to think of a plan
He makes a noise
He knows it's over
He is instantly surrounded
Captured he begins to weep
His captors torturing
Decimating
Taking him to the brink of him giving up everything
They leave him
He holds on to a thought
He can get away
He takes the chance and flees
His escape in front of him
He's running but something stops him dead in his tracks...

Jolted awake by a siren the soldier is grabbing his gear
He knows this is another day in this long war
He is ready for anything
At least he tells himself
He feels as if he's done this before
He heads out
Ready to wage war
Blood boiling
Adrenaline flowing like a river
He sees the enemy
He is outnumbered and knows it
He hides
Trying to think of a plan
He makes a noise
He knows it's over
He is instantly surrounded
Captured he begins to weep
His captors torturing
Decimating
Taking him to the brink of him giving up everything
They leave him
He holds on to a thought
He can get away
He takes the chance and flees
His escape in front of him
He's running but something stops him dead in his tracks...

Jolted awake by a siren the soldier is grabbing his gear
He knows this is another day in this long war
He thinks this is becoming a nightmare
I'm reliving this same scenario
Over and over
He heads out
He sees his enemies
He's outnumbered
He hides
He thinks of s plan
He says fuck it
If I'm going to die
I'm going to die fighting
He stands
And opens fire...

The idea

I was thinking one day I'll write a book. That day is coming.

The way life flows

I've been sitting contemplating my life as a whole. And I must say I have had some interesting things happen to me. I've met some really great people some not so good but that's the way life flows.
I say flows because goes is just too boring. I look at it more like a river you have twists and turn, fast times and slow time, turbulent and calm times.
It's 10:30 in the morning and I'm smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer these thoughts rush to me.
Things like remember the time when...
Or dude that shit just happened...
I've been through some shit in my life that make me who I am today. I appreciate the things I work for but I don't let those items define me as a person. My experiences define me.
Listening to a random guy screaming because the "friends" I was with decided it would be fun to just beat the shit out of some random passer by.
The way it feels to be in a stolen car being chased by police and getting away. Saying fuck you Newark Police.
Snorting heroin for the first time and knowing it would be my last time.
Now a lot of people don't know these things about me, they see a guy who is just there. I have done a lot of dirt in my life and I have has the fortitude to attempt to outgrow it.
I mean don't get me wrong I have some of the tendencies still. The point is that I fight those everyday. I am a product of my environment but I have evolved sort of like a version 2.0.
I decided a long time ago that my personal growth was more important than just being a product. I will not let myself get caught up in those fucking self destructive thoughts.
I am not what you can call a success story because I am still living with the choices I made when I was younger. Everyday I wake up I say man maybe just maybe...
Now here ladies and gentlemen is what I call a philosophical paradox. I don't want to change what I have been through because fuck it I am who I am love me or leave me, but there are some choices I do think about making differently.
Those are the consequences I live with on a daily. Do the choices we make now truly affect the future? Of course they do. Just think for a second all the times you thought maybe I should do this instead of that. Yet we as humans choose what feels good at the moment because instant gratification is an amazing feeling. Fuck it one more beer, one more hit off this blunt or I'm just gonna stick my dick in this random chick. It can even be even something like I'm not going to go to class today or work. Man the stories I could tell you about deciding to cut class and not worry about that shit cause it's just whatever.
I am who I am so fuck you if you don't like me no big deal. I live for me not you.
The one thing I ask though is remember that the one choice you make now could be the one that changes your life in a dramatic way. It may be instant, it may take a while to manifest itself but it will come back.

RoX over and out.

Look who's back

Guess who's back when I bring funk like Zapp
All aboard motherfuckers as your brains get jacked.
I'm souped like 2 scoops of funk juice word to mother
The way I'm flinging lines you'd swear Jim Kelly was in this motherfucker.
 -redman-

 So after a one year absence in writing on this thing I'm back. We will see for how long this time.

I am ready to unleash this amazingly, wickedly impressive mind upon you again. Actually that's not true I just want to write lol.

 I might have nothing to say so it will be random but fuck it that's the way it goes. Love me or leave me that's the motto. But when I do have something to say I hope it's worth your time dear reader. If it isn't then I can't do nothing for ya.

 Enjoy this next chapter in the world that is mine.

 RoX over and out